Restless Musings

Death is SO Final…

ns — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 19:49:46 +0000

..I have spent the last 2 and a half months trying to be ‘NORMAL’ as everyone keeps putting it but the over whelming emotion I feel is ANGER…red and searing anger…I dont understand what the big deal is about normal and why I should follow it…I try and spend 15 hrs a day being productive and the rest 9 crying incessantly….I dont show the weakness to anyone then why do I have to show you NORMAL…whatever that means…so yes I am screwed up..perhaps for life and unlike most people where tragedy brings families and friends together, in my case I withdraw more and the dark place I go to destroys everything and everyone…my need to be family,friend,lover is in the negative and all i want to do is make you prove yourself to me till I think what you have done is enough..selfish yes but then i will never win a award for reasonable,warm and fuzzy so why bother now?

I have a great family..i have a few considerate friend and I have a partner in training but its just NOT good enough!!

I just want my dad back!!I just want him back..everything else is just placebo

The pain is getting deeper and I dont know how long I will last like this!!

I am absolutely useless to everyone around me….everyone!!

I just want him back!!Noone GETS me anymore…noone!!Not one person in this person and I feel disconnected from everything and everyone

Hollowed out!!

Absolutely Important…

ns — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 20:48:04 +0000

….learning about love is that people who love you.love you even when you make the wrong decisions.They dont judge you.They just stand next to you ready to pick you up when you fall…thats all!!As close to ‘real’ love as one can get!!

2 Months of Silence………..

ns — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:30:22 +0000

…so its been exactly 2 months and I have barely existed in the last two months.In the last two months I have tried very hard to keep out the guilt of not spending enough time with a dying parent at bay for a bunch of kids I really believed in but who have really let me down

All I have learnt is:

People are selfish
People are mercenaries
They will give you no room for mourning
They will be self serving and dumb of they can get away with it.
Give ppl enough room and they will hang themselves with it
People cant handle responsibility and power
People are selfish…yes repeating
Today’s generation has no sense of being there and taking care of anyone but themselves

While I am dealing with this at work,I have friends who have been rockstar friends who I am avoiding coz I cant handle the pity

I was the tough one,the one who kept it together and now I am the one falling apart with noone standing next to me because I am rude,moody and inconvenient!!

Sorry but wont change!!

I finally have someone wanting to marry me but I cant marry him because he cant handle the ‘needy’ me,he wants to party on the day I want to mourn and I will never be good enough!!

I am fat,ugly and unmanageable!!

Classic combination for a undesirable boss,friend and woman!!

But do I really care?

I am an orphan and thats all I can think of…anything else you care about doesnt matter to ME..sorry I dont care!!

Switching off once and for all!!

Signing off from the world per say!!

Done being your convenient option!!

I have cared too much and I am still standing alone…why bother?

Letter to Dad…Paying homage to the most important man in my life…

ns — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 03:00:16 +0000

So papa passed away yesterday,10.10.2011 at 5 58 pm IST at the age of 56.He was born on 9 Jan 1955 and we were all hoping for the diwali and the next birthday with him as a FAMILY but the time ran out….his and ours as a family…Only solace is the suffering ended and he did suffer a lot in recent times..and he died in my arms surrounded by his family and I hope he felt the love……till the last moment and did not feel alone!!

My mother didnt get her karwa chauth and I didnt get another conversation,lecture,piece of advice and a moment of being a daughter to a parent who was as flawed and as as human as everyone else but to me he was MY super hero…In my eyes he was PERFECT and if not that then he is my papa strongest…

I am grappling to deal with the grief but the only thing I can seem to think of is to pay homage to him and hope people who knew him dont forget him and his legacy carries on…

I am waiting for him(his body) to come home at this moment and its STILL not registered than I will never hear his voice EVER and he will NEVER be there…not for my marriage…not for the birth of my children or to be there when I become something in this world…He just wont be there

I am sitting outside alone away from the family which is threatening to drown you in their concern trying to remember his essence,hold on to a part of him which is still here and which I still feel and just BE

But the rituals of death are meant to distract you and damn you with the details I feel…its mind numbing and also soothing to look for the pundit,the flowers,the arthi,the samagri,to clean the house and to prepare for his arrival and then his bidai…his last walk out of this world…

My mother is numbed out and in shock and my brother has been made to grow up and take on the responsibility of the family mantle..he is the ‘man’ of the house now and I am the eldest…the mantle is heavy!!

The entire extended family has rallied around…..friends and lovers are here too…

He is a man much loved,beloved and remembered…

From his friends,to his classmates to his batch mates to the men he served in the army with and their children ..all of them!!

In all of this my memory of my dad is still mine and what I remember includes..

A man who understood family and did everything he could for the family

A strong proud man who didnt like being a burden to anyone

A man who never gave up

A man who fought for his life and won again and again….till a month ago when the pain became unbearable and finally yesterday he gave up…

A man with the brain of a scientist….and the will of a rock..

A man who was physically weak but mentally the strongest always

A man who tried to teach me patience in life but perhaps gave me the gift of the same in his death

A man with the wanderlust but not the strength…

A thoughtful man who secured the life of his family after his death

A father with only one unfulfilled wish or responsibility of seeing me married…

A man who held on till the last minute

A father whose son will make him proud

A husband whose wife is the pillar of strength

A brother and son the entire family cannot replace or hope to forget

A man fortunate enough to LIVE life and God’s child to LOSE it so soon…much too soon..

He was too young to die and in too much pain to hold on…

But he retained his sense of humour till the last breadth and that more than anything else is what I will remember

A laughing man with a big heart and a bigger ambition for love,life and family..

My dad is gone from the world but he will always stay in my heart and our hearts and live on through our eyes and lives…

We will make you proud papa…wait and watch!!

Lots of love and my last goodbye…!

Thank you for dieing with me and not alone and holding on for both me and vicky to bid you farewell!!

Muah…!!You will be missed terribly!

P.s.-When you come back as Vicky’s child or mine you will be spoilt,pampered and healthy…..provided you did your homework and played for atleast an hour of course….cheeky grin:)!!

P.p.s.-You have to be a Sangwan to get the Joke.Child is indeed the father of man

Feet of clay………

ns — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 08:32:26 +0000

Last year has been a landmark year of sorts…

I always give people importance and am very slow in letting them go unless..

Unless they turn out to have ‘feet of clay’…

Have let go of all the people who didnt commit or had a ‘rescue fantasy’

Your importance in my limited to the pedestal I put you on and as of now there is just one person who still holds a position….

All the people I cherished and admired turned out to be paper tigers….more talk than ‘real’ work…what does that say about me I wonder…she was disappointing too…!!

2011 new year list…

ns — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 20:51:38 +0000

Put me first
Travel and more travel
Dont give importance to people who dont deserve it
Earn wealth for ‘myself’ too
Dont make people partners for intellectual compatability.Great conversations dont lead to great partnerships
Smile more
NO shouting
Find ‘true’ love
Get over the lonliness and the constant searching
Not put myself in a position to let others ‘judge’ me
Not take people at face value
Just look for travellers and not companions and jodidaars for life
Love more and fight less
Play to my strenghts and forget the weaknesses
Push the limits a lot more
Let others prove their worth for a change.I think I have earned the right
Seek ‘reality’ and ‘tangible’ and not just words
Rest a bit more
Write some more
Find time for friends and people who genuinely care.

I am the CEO,Bitch!!

ns — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 13:43:04 +0000

This is my favourite line in the movie ‘The Social Network’

It’s quite a good movie..what stays with you at the end of it is the dialogues,the brashness and the inevitable actions,their consequences and the ability to rationalise ALL good and bad in hindsight!!

Wisdom of crowds forms opinions but one needs to be in the situation to judge or not!!

At the end of the day all the experienced,professional managers lack the heart and the countless hours that the founder and the founding team brings on the table…

Professional managers want holidays,work life balance,reasonableness and then wonder why they are not part of the ‘inner circle’ and why do they not get their due beyond the salary slip…!!

‘Dreamer’ founders never take a break and are constantly looking of the next big thing…keeping pace is impossible and when shit hits the roof and managers leave the sinking ship…the cocky adage hold true for survival…indeed ‘I am the CEO,bitch’!!

Love It!!!!!!!Go watch!1

‘Namrata Singh’ pet peeves Poll

ns — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 10:26:38 +0000

Ok…so did this dipstick with a few friends of mine and asked them what they found the most annoying about me and the results were startling if not entertaining:

I never return calls
I never tell the entire story to one person.Everyone has their own version of ‘ms singh’.No one knows the whole laments my best friend
I dont ask for help
I am emotional and all heart.Need to be more logical
I sacrifice too much when I should think of ‘me’ first
I fall in love with ‘selfish’ men who never put me ‘first’
I eat badly…too fast…too slow…too little
I obsess over an issue and dont let it go…
I forgive people I shouldnt
I hold grudged I shouldnt
I forget to ‘chill’ and ‘just be’
I can be irritatingly anal and driven
I have an ‘acid’ tongue
I do first and think later
I DONT stay in touch
I suffer alone and feel too deeply
I forget birthdays
I am losing the ‘kid’ in me
I am surrounded by people who want things from me and dont give anything back in return
I dont ‘laugh’ like before
I am too guarded now
I dont open up
I can stretch an issue till it breaks
I am self-destructive
I ‘rescue’ constantly

Hmm…not nice!!

The Dating Game

ns — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 09:44:46 +0000

Ok..so I havent done this whole dating thing in a while..I have been busy,working and have had little time for myslef..let alone for others…

But thats not to say that people havent approached me or they havent asked me out etc…they have and I have considered but mostly stayed away for a few reasons..I find most of the men I meet a bit ‘out of their league’ to deal with a ‘young struggling’ entrepreneur…

I am a bit intimidating and I like it that way..I will never be willing and open till the time I am sure…

I am an obsessive worker and I forget to call..can be abrupt and generally a bit of an absent-minded ‘girl’ to be around…

I am sure I appear head strong but that I think is a front…I can be as ‘vulnerable’ as the next person and at the end of the day there is very little which will make me tick ‘personally’

I want ‘unconditional’ acceptance and ‘security’…both are not on the table and hence I am not game…

Dont have time for frivolous,egoistic,time pass and commitment phobia….

Plus I need to let my gaurd down sometimes…I have no rescue fantasies and I like being treated like a ‘girl’ sometimes…I take care of everyone most of the time..I want to be a bit selfish and ‘feel’ loved,cherished and ‘wanted’ by the one man who matters …

I am old fashioned enough to NOT take the lead but thats not to say that ‘a little romace’ wont go a long way in making the world go pink:)

No harm in dreaming!!

Someone needs to like me for me..not a little less…not a little more…not ready to go through the ‘emotional attyachar’ without the promise of a lifetime…yes I am not reasonable …***k reasonable…I want what I want and thats that!!:)

Few worldly possessions of value to me……..

ns — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 07:39:54 +0000

A cat

A pen

Some much loved and read books

A diary

An ‘ugly doll’

A pair of black heels

A few silver earrings

A painting

A ‘much frayed’ skipping rope

An old watch!!

A half written book

Thats it!!Things I will leave behind……hmm